Drew Curtis' FARK.com

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Saturday, July 05, 2008

	Woman visits the drive-thru window at Einstein Bagels store, is surprised to discover they don't have a drive-thru window	(23)
	If you abandoned your half-million dollar Lamborghini on the highway, the Ontario Provincial Police would like a word with you. And bring a dustpan, too	(35)
	"That's when Trooper John Hennessey noticed a large bulge in Belmont's pants"	(23)
	The most patriotic moran you will ever meet. Evar	(83)
	Wal-Mart is coming up with a new logo. Give them a hand	(62)
	Drunk, stupid, and weaving all over a bike path on a riding mower is no way to go through life, sons	(17)
	Fight against knife crime overtakes terrorism as London's number one police priority. If only there was something Britons could bring to a knife fight to have an advantage	(130)
	Snail prices expected to go up amid poor harvest. TOUT LE MONDE PANIQUE	(42)
	Former downtown Orlando nightclub owner ditches that lifestyle for more profitable one: Towing cars that are illegally parked near downtown Orlando nightclubs	(63)
	What's the easiest way to keep your downspout from flooding the neighbor's yard? No, I said EASIEST	(72)
	If you had "one day" in the "how long will it take someone to attack wax Hitler at the new Berlin Madame Tussauds" pool, please step forward to claim your prize	(80)
	Tank the runaway tortoise returned home... eventually	(23)
	No kitty, no die: Marley the cat survives 14-story plunge to celebrate another Caturday	(310)
	Rotting cheese placed alongside fresh products and resold. That's not gouda	(37)
(Some Guy)	Family Guy's Peter Griffin arrested for dealing drugs (with mugshot goodness)	(133)
	Those "faceless people" spotted around the UK? You guessed it. Marketing stunt. Followup trumps Obvious tag	(60)
	RSPCA officers seize owls from a falconry center that supplied them for a Harry Potter movie. YA RLY	(26)
	A five-year battle ends not with a bang or a whimper, but with a chicken in a soundproof box	(20)
(shorpy.com)	Photoshop these boaters and their dog	(46)
	The coolest thing you'll see all day: 45 Navy SEAL Tridents laid out on the casket of a fallen SEAL. Godspeed	(255)
	Italy declares a state of emergency in Pompeii. Well, better late than never	(55)
(Some Guy)	Woman attempts to recreate "Thelma & Louise" ending, fails	(65)
	If you have found the Edgewood City Hall Building, please contact Babbit Neuman Construction. Thank you, that is all	(17)
(Some Guy)	If you have a fear of heights, you do not want to live here (pics)	(58)
(Some Guy)	Thief pays no attention to that silly 10,000 volts warning sign. Darwin is a cruel mistress	(85)
	Saskatoon zoo welcomes ugly-ass baby Bengal tiger	(34)
	Daily Mail: "The government is criminally careless in losing discs containing the public's personal details. They should keep it all safe, just like we store our sensitive staff data on the laptop in this briefca- Ohhh"	(21)
	UK court rules that Pringles are only 42 percent potato, still 100 percent awesome	(52)
	America retains title in Nathan's hot dog eating contest. 64 dogs, 19,000 calories. USA USA USA	(73)
	"She wore her first set of false eyelashes at eight, and her beauty treatments cost £300 a month. A sick abuse of an 11-year-old? 'No', insists Sasha's mother, 'I just want her to be famous'."	(187)
(Madison.com)	College professor teaches the science and psychology behind getting the most mileage out of being drunk	(54)
	Latest media-manufactured social crisis is "green rage", where you or a mythical neighbor fly into anger over the poor recycling habits of those around you	(67)

Friday, July 04, 2008

(Some Guy)	Indiana man gave beer to his 1-year-old nephew, "he's a champ, he can handle it," then punched his girlfriend in the face when she objected and sped away in her SUV, threatening to kill her and her daughter when he returned	(150)
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this 1963 vintage Vine	(63)
	Men with hot girlfriends have more sex, according to researchers at the Ric Romero Institute for Studying Things	(500)
(Some Idiot)	Protip: It's always best to wait until AFTER you get home to light off the fireworks	(18)
	Operation Falcon, founded by U.S. Marines, provides a life in America to Iraqi translators marked for death	(79)
(Some Guy)	Woman shocked, SHOCKED to be sexually assaulted after agreeing to be tied to a bed in a complete strangers box truck. Fark: You would be too, the accused is a paramedic	(89)
	This. Is. AMERICAAA	(95)
(Some Guy)	Sometimes you just want to ride without standing in line. This guy took it to the next level, though	(83)
(Blasphemes)	Robbing a Subway at 11pm, check. One employee and a 71 year old customer, check. 71 year old is a retired Marine? Oh oh. With concealed carry permit? Why me?	(378)
	Man arrested for walking dog, by automobile, at 45 mph	(57)
(Pretoria News)	Man takes girlfriend for a spin in new car, only to be confronted with the inferno of wife's disapproval. Will stand up for himself when he comes out of hiding	(61)
(Some Guy)	If you're going to carjack a car, perhaps you should pick an easier target. For instance, don't pick the car with two uniformed police officers inside it	(28)
(Some Guy)	Sasquatch sexually assaults man in Canadian park	(75)
	Russians suspect Welsh arsonist stripper could be British spy	(28)
	Researchers warn that fireworks can cause seizures, brain freeze, natural selection	(22)
	Police respond to call from man reporting "bright stationary object" in the sky. M-O-O-N spells "Dumbass"	(43)
	Susan Olsen has radio interview that ends badly after she shows up hung over. You might remember her from the Brady Bunch, she was the one that played Cindy BraAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHRRRRGGGHHH	(70)
	The most baffling explosions in movie history	(131)
	A tip for parolees: Don't conduct drug deals when the cops are right across the street and parole agents are in town. It's not Fark, it's the San Francisco Chronicle	(7)
	Dude never played a piano before in his life, hits head on bottom of pool and suddenly becomes a master pianist. Submitter tempted to hit head to see if he becomes fluent in Spanish	(168)
(Some Tie Guy)	The best how to tie a double windsor knot instructional you'll see all day	(189)
	German Shepherd survives being thrown off an overpass with only a fat lip. Your dog wants a parachute (dog headline trifecta now complete)	(64)
	Miniature dachshund gnaws off diabetic owner's toe, confused it for steak	(91)
	"I've never seen a blood feud like this before," says lawyer. "A cautionary tale of parental hopes dashed, sibling rivalry triumphant and love for a place embittered," says judge who is writing a novel on the side	(37)
	Photoshop Challenge: Create a new national monument	(74)
	Professional soccer player attacks nightclub bouncer with handbag, perpetuates every soccer player stereotype there is	(58)
	Your all-purpose July 4th special: Ugly-ass bald eagle baby rescued from clutches of evil Canadians (w/pic)	(59)
	Boston can't even build a sidewalk without three government agencies suing and fining each other	(57)
(Uncle Sam)	Instant Photoshop Contest: Uncle Sam	(65)
	Your flat screen TV contains a gas that is 17000 times more potent than CO2 and hangs around for 550 years. And you thought having your in-laws over for the holidays was bad	(138)
(MotorTorque.com)	Ruthlessly efficient German hailstorm wrecks 30,000 Volkswagens	(73)
	Husband says dog caused him to accidentally shoot wife. Your dog wants an attorney	(24)
	Jesse Helms joins yet another majority	(lots)
	Thief escapes arrest -- by baring her breasts	(86)
	Driver evades provincial police by running a red light, promptly crashes next door to the police station	(13)
(WJLA)	Vienna, Virginia will use lasers instead of fireworks for this year's 4th of July celebrations. Sissy tag just choked on gunpowder	(94)
	Thank goodness THESE folks declared their independence - 4th of July mugshot gallery	(175)
	Bomb squad called into Stockholm airport to carry out a controlled explosion on a hot cocoa box	(28)
	I-Mockery celebrates the Fourth with a look at the underappreciated art of firecracker labels (some Not safe for work)	(32)
	Happy Independence Day, American Farkers. Share your favorite 4th of July stories here (VE)	(204)
(KATU)	Chuck Seaman in prison? Yeah, he probably will	(31)
	Go to Latin America, fall in love, find out that your new GF has assassinated 23 people..DOH	(109)
	Why scientists think some people are mosquito magnets	(101)
	Dumbass: Man is willing to pay £150 to watch final episode of "Prison Break" on his cell phone. Asinine: His phone company billed him £31,500. Stupid: Is as stupid does	(53)
	Politician who urged public to "hug teenage thugs" is badly beaten up... by a teenage thug	(45)
	Photoshop these intake manifolds	(34)
	Man suffers from anorexia. Gets fired from a COOKING show. Now making his living from suing cooking shows	(45)
	Unable to come up with the dough, man steals breadmaker. He's caught later loafing at the beach. No matter how you slice it, this guy's a dumbass	(27)
	Creepy RealDoll of Hitler goes on show in Berlin. I'll be in my bunker	(63)
	Some of the world's best brewery tours. How many have you been to?	(71)
	Twelve-year-old Karate Kid uses his martial arts training to take down gun-wielding thugs and save his family. Just kidding he just remained calm and called the cops	(91)
	Charlie the Charolais was stuck on a ledge for days because bureaucrats argued over who should pay to rescue him. Bullocks	(21)
	I'm not a pedophile, your honour. Those kiddie porn images were only part of the batch of octopus porn, pony porn and snake porn that I was downloading	(76)
	Pyrotechnician's cremains will be 'last shot' of Indy fireworks. Which is just a little bit creepy	(29)
	Old and busted: dine and dash. New hotness: dine and fake having a heart attack	(49)
	Man upset over lack of alcohol stabs himself, curses police officer, and rolls successful saving throw vs. Taser. Bonus awesome Flying Spaghetti Mullet mug shot	(60)